Three days ago, I sat [feeling wrung out] with my [usual] cup of coffee in hand, under the neon lights of JJ's Market and Cafe. Nathan held my feet in his lap and studied my tattoos; he questioned me about the watercolor buffalo I dream of one day getting on my forearm [to carry Oklahoma with me wherever I go]. I looked up at him and broke our simple silence with a question that would keep us gnawing, aching, wading through our own junk, and praying for days:
"What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and your fears didn't exist?"
Throughout the process of this list making, I have dealt with more anxiety than I have ever faced. The trouble with fear, is behind the layers of pulled away fear, there is usually more fear. And there are certain types of fear that are so elusive that they keep you questioning what you really want. For example: I honestly believe I do not want to go to graduate school. In my heart and soul, I was not cut from the cloth of the many who have chosen that path. Instead, I was cut from the cloth of the people who don't mind [simpler] salaries, who want to leave room for their passions, and would honestly be satisfied working in the restaurant business, [touching people's lives] for the rest of theirs.
Dr. Hester told me that I am unique, and the reason I have not exactly thrived well in the college experience is not because I am un-intelligent. He actually paid me the compliment that I am entirely intelligent--and "doubly gifted," but that doesn't fit into the blacks and whites of a grade-book. See, I think I knew that about myself. Lundy said it best: "Jade...you're a whirlwind of color." That is true. Thomas once paid me the most phenomenal compliment [and it still means everything to me]: "Jade...you're intelligent in all the right places." I'm confident in these truths. So, when I start contemplating what I will do with forever...I can't help but think: "I fear I will one day regret not going to grad school." But the trouble with these kinds of fears it that you literally become a "prepper." I don't want to live in fear of "maybe's" for the rest of my life. And I always want to look back on my life with a forgiving spirit, and the idea that it truly is never too late.
My list is simplistic and short, I want to leave room. I want this list to mean something. And after Joel Forlines' compliment, I could not help but tie in some big goals. My overall goal is to abolish fear as much as I can, and pursue these things with my entirety. This is a project Nathan and I will be working on together and individually--encouraging each-other and holding one another accountable so that we can fulfill our goals.
If I woke up tomorrow, and fear didn't exist...I would:
1. Write until I reached my full potential; until I satiated myself [until I felt challenged enough].
2. Paint until I could make it on painting alone.
3. Do spoken word.
4. Talk to Levi the Poet or Cori Basil about their poetry, and how they made it.
5. Have coffee with Caine and Cyle Barnes.
6. Tell the people I love that I love them.
7. Walk away from people who exercise control over my life through manipulation.
8. Stop hoarding money and treat myself to the things I love.
9. Teach in front of high schoolers without fear.
10. Make a video of myself taking my bathroom scale and throwing out the third story window of Polsten--watch it shatter. Never buy another scale, my whole life long.
11. Marry a poet
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