Off to Anchor Worship

I'm so 

in love

With my 

Very 

Best friend. 

Praise the Lord.

Meetings with Dr. Hester

 Lately, I have been frequenting Dr. Hester's office more often. I used to visit Dr. Reid a great amount during the week and we would talk about God and the world. One thing that is phenomenal about Welch is in the quiet corners, there are some phenomenal theologians that ooze wisdom. To be able to sit and have coffee with them on a rainy day or be able to unload on them when you're disheveled and all-over-the-place makes you feel like a pretty lucky person. I feel like an immeasurably blessed person. 

 In the past week I have met with Dr. Hester twice. He picked my brain and encouraged my honesty in a lot of areas that I rarely venture into. When things got real...he said the following. Normally I wouldn't share something so special with the world, however he was so uplifting, I cannot help but record it:

            "I know at times you feel as though you're wearing shoes that do not fit quite right, or you are being forced to wear shoes when you'd rather wear none at all...but you need to take heart and find areas in which you can fully express yourself."
             He then encouraged me to build a portfolio and consider an MFA. Now, I'm not especially keen on the idea of graduate school. But to me, that he believed in me enough to take the time to discuss it with me means everything. We have professors at our school who truly take the time to breathe LIFE into people!

           Yesterday I went to him desperately begging for help with a paper I am writing. I am struggling to prove that John Donne was a spiritual Augustinian. He laid out a paper for me. He said: "I've essentially set you up with a Masters level paper." And I paused and said: "Are you sure this won't be over my head? I feel at times that I'm not intelligent enough to be in college." He paid me a tremendous compliment by assuring me that I am extremely intelligent. "Gifted..." he said. "Doubly gifted." Now, these things are precious to me, and I do not want to go pouring them out all over the internet. But, they meant so much to me that when times become turbulent, I can reflect on these compliments. I don't take these things lightly. And it has been reiterated over the past few weeks how dynamically "different" that I am. I have been deemed "colorful," "unique," and a "flower" by my fellow students and professors. 

        When Dr. Riggs began prodding me, mid-class, two weeks ago and began pulling my "junk" out in front of everyone, people began raising their hands and telling me how my love has changed their lives. They commented on how I've shown them Christ in new ways. Dr. Riggs said:
   "You will tell the truth, whether it hair-lips someone or not. I have been in the ministry for years, and I felt challenged by what you said about homosexuals: your love for the people the church ostracizes casted light on the fact that the church is handling situations inappropriately."
    All of that was God. I am aware. The spirit showed up that day. But I am grateful that He has chosen to use me as a vessel. He has taken my peculiarities and affirmed that despite my disbelief He is using them for the Kingdom. 

      The Little House of Flora, is a precious house to the Kingdom indeed. Christ dwells here in the heart of it. Dr. Hester says Lewis talks a great deal about house analogies. His primary advice to me was to start allowing people inside of mine. If I truly have the gift of hospitality I will stop being so afraid of loving people and let them in. 

     "Live...laugh...love..." he said. 

     "That's who JADE is."

     This affirmation has caused a stirring in my life, and I wanted to put it in writing--just incase I ever    forget. 

orphan. orphan. orphan.
  Charla says
     My work
        Appeals to the orphan.

 "You look just like your mother."
 He said.

 I don't know what all of it means.

I posy
These
Questions
Like
Posies:

Shot down
For election,

And no one
Knows these

Things that I'm
Wondering
Keep the
Wandering

Mice
From sleeping--

And when you
Avoid
The question
I feel like
You're keeping

Answers from me;

Vital
Answers
I need--

Pursed lipped promises

That I'm begging for you

To

Speak.

Do you ever
 just
 Get real quiet
 Get real silent
   At night
   Like
 Yours is

 The only corner of the world

   That no one has ever explored?
 Breathe breaths into the night,
 As still
 And soft as possible
 Like
 You're invisible?
 Think to yourself real

 Still
 Like
 Still
 Like
 Still
 Like

    Darkness:

       "No one even knows I exist here...
              And the world is going on out there..."
And it's
  Thrilling?

 All the hot boys
 That work at
 Dose coffee
 Make
 Me want to
 Seek
 Validation
 In alternate ways.

 Maybe I'll wear
 My
 Berry lipstick
 Next time.

Shield the rocks
Straight
Streaming
City lights
Softly
Gleaning

Her reflection
Into the vastness
Of a
Thirty
Degree

Bird's flight
When he
Should
Be
Sleeping.

It's May-
What has the
Forecaster
Done this time?

Rolling dice on a
Party line.

I'm sure in Oklahoma,
It wouldn't be
So
Cold and Rainy

You're not Michigan,
My
 Sweet
  Tennessee.

2 Chronicles 1:11-12:

God said to Solomon, “Since this is your heart’s desire and you have not asked for wealth, possessions or honor, nor for the death of your enemies, and since you have not asked for a long life but for wisdom and knowledge to govern my people over whom I have made you king, therefore wisdom and knowledge will be given you. And I will also give you wealth, possessions and honor, such as no king who was before you ever had and none after you will have.”

"You're the type of girl that is so unique that if you ever decided to start dating again, it wouldn't be hard for you. See, you're the type of person that is so distinct there has got to only be one dynamic equal out in the world. You're all, or nothing. So you won't have to waste your time with the grey, wading through faces and wondering if they are "the one". And I don't actually believe in 'the one' for everyone. Just big people. Dynamic people. People like us. One day, in a crowded room, you're going to look up at some really radical dude and say...'It's YOU!'"

                                                    - Joel Forlines

Conversations with Nathan:

 Three days ago, I sat [feeling wrung out] with my [usual] cup of coffee in hand, under the neon lights of JJ's Market and Cafe. Nathan held my feet in his lap and studied my tattoos; he questioned me about the watercolor buffalo I dream of one day getting on my forearm [to carry Oklahoma with me wherever I go]. I looked up at him and broke our simple silence with a question that would keep us gnawing, aching, wading through our own junk, and praying for days:

"What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and your fears didn't exist?"

   We tossed around ideas for awhile; we giggled. We contemplated accomplishing the physically impossible; we discussed things we have no excuse not be doing right now.
   Throughout the process of this list making, I have dealt with more anxiety than I have ever faced. The trouble with fear, is behind the layers of pulled away fear, there is usually more fear. And there are certain types of fear that are so elusive that they keep you questioning what you really want. For example: I honestly believe I do not want to go to graduate school. In my heart and soul, I was not cut from the cloth of the many who have chosen that path. Instead, I was cut from the cloth of the people who don't mind [simpler] salaries, who want to leave room for their passions, and would honestly be satisfied working in the restaurant business, [touching people's lives] for the rest of theirs.
   Dr. Hester told me that I am unique, and the reason I have not exactly thrived well in the college experience is not because I am un-intelligent. He actually paid me the compliment that I am entirely intelligent--and "doubly gifted," but that doesn't fit into the blacks and whites of a grade-book. See, I think I knew that about myself. Lundy said it best: "Jade...you're a whirlwind of color." That is true. Thomas once paid me the most phenomenal compliment [and it still means everything to me]: "Jade...you're intelligent in all the right places." I'm confident in these truths. So, when I start contemplating what I will do with forever...I can't help but think: "I fear I will one day regret not going to grad school." But the trouble with these kinds of fears it that you literally become a "prepper." I don't want to live in fear of "maybe's" for the rest of my life. And I always want to look back on my life with a forgiving spirit, and the idea that it truly is never too late.
 My list is simplistic and short, I want to leave room. I want this list to mean something. And after Joel Forlines' compliment, I could not help but tie in some big goals. My overall goal is to abolish fear as much as I can, and pursue these things with my entirety. This is a project Nathan and I will be working on together and individually--encouraging each-other and holding one another accountable so that we can fulfill our goals.

If I woke up tomorrow, and fear didn't exist...I would:

1. Write until I reached my full potential; until I satiated myself [until I felt challenged enough].
2. Paint until I could make it on painting alone.
3. Do spoken word.
4. Talk to Levi the Poet or Cori Basil about their poetry, and how they made it.
5. Have coffee with Caine and Cyle Barnes.
6. Tell the people I love that I love them.
7. Walk away from people who exercise control over my life through manipulation.
8. Stop hoarding money and treat myself to the things I love.
9. Teach in front of high schoolers without fear.
10. Make a video of myself taking my bathroom scale and throwing out the third story window of Polsten--watch it shatter. Never buy another scale, my whole life long.
11. Marry a poet

See
I'm a hypocrite.
I proclaim I love blank pages;
[You know,

That voracious hunger
Type of love.]

But if you asked me
What I'm going to
Do
With my life
I freeze in fear.

I look for
Anything
To avoid
Those pages.

Levi the Poet: Pretty in Pornography

The House with Nobody in It

Now, I'm
Less worried
About

If my
Work is terrible

[And if people are
Just
Lying to me
By
Saying it is good].

I worry much more
About being good
And not reaching my full
Potential
Because I'm
Too
Worried
About
What people
Think.

A Love that Doesn't Run Out on You: April 22, 2013

 Tonight, The Keeill and The Anchor joined together for collaborative worship. I know some were for it, and some were against it; some were anxious, and some had anger still stirring in their bellies over the birth of a West End chapter. I don't know about everyone else standing there. But for me, it meant everything. The unity was beautiful; it felt like a remedy. I stood in awe of a God who brought my two families together under one roof. After services were over everyone embraced--everyone talked. There was so much healing, and so much beauty. I couldn't help but look around the room at my best friends who I am so passionately in love with. And I was grateful that something so magical could take place. My prayer is that both families will continue to grow together in love: to ease hearts and cool angers, and heal wounds. Because I ache for growth, and to see the Kingdom of God flourish, my heart wants tonight one million times over.

E.E.

Good good love.

 

Birdy's cover of Bon Iver's "Skinny Love,"
Is all my hollow bones
And a sad spring.

It was that night.

I keep encountering all the pink blossoms of a
Humid
Tennessee
May--

That remind me
That
Life goes on--

And we

Move on.


But I keep smelling and tasting
How you
Fell out of love
With
Me
And let me go...

"My, my,my-
My, my, my,
My, my
My,
My, my."

Barista Parlor Panorama

A Walk on Richland 

                         

Watching Nathan make my coffee

Tennessee Spring 

    

Anchor Tattoos 

The Long Day is Over 

Conversations

"I find this symbolic. I took a walk this morning and went down to 'our place,' it is this street where he and I used to take walks and sit and talk in the car on rainy days for hours. It's a dead end street. I'll make a mental note next time that everything in the world is not too far removed from the laws of literature. Foreshadowing."

I have faith God.

That
You'll

Make
This

Little Boat


Row.

Call me when you

Get this. 

Because the line 

Sounds like static. 

And I'll deny that it's smoking, 

Because I 

Don't

Want you

To get

Dramatic. 

But something

Has gone

Awry

In this cloaked time

Of 

Broken Man. 

If you're leaving

Me 

For real

This time

You know 

Just 

Where 

I 

Stand. 

-----

You bombarded me.

I never asked

You

In. 

And I'll

Escort you

Away. 

And I'll even 

Pretend

That I don't 

Miss you. 

Even When


I do. 

On this day
Ten years ago
My parents
Decided
To
Get
A
Divorce.

---
--
-.

Rue,

 I'm writing you from the terminal. I'll pick up where we last left off. 

--But don't you see? Silence has too long been considered "golden." So often, silence [like the underbelly of a slimy, reptilian coward] is yellow. When silence is yellow, the earth is never redeemed by the broad-shouldered justice that she desperately cries out for. When no one strengthens their backbone, or sharpens their knives in an attempt to defend the helpless, when no one feels compelled to bandage the sores of the wounded--faith no longer flourishes in the bones of the waiting. The innocent of the world cry out for peace and salvation, but there is only wreckage...battering that could be ended by the reverberation of one still, small voice. And when the seasons wilt away and hope slides down from the tall back of death, I have to wonder whose hands the blood is on. The enemy? Or the one standing in the corner-both hands in his pockets-mouth sealed: the one who had the tools to save the many, but only chose to save his face?
                                                                                                    Nedul

The Twin

 Last night, over Fido coffee, I talked to Nathan about my art and how more and more I am beginning to notice that every piece I have ever painted has been a source of foreshadowing in the story that is my life. As we conversed, I described the significance of each of my pieces.
 A particular piece came to mind that I had [up until now] forgotten about. Today, it sits in my mom's shed--unfinished and lifeless [which is also incredibly symbolic].

  In 2010, I began this particular piece intending to give it to someone that I was deeply in love with. My original vision was the trees of northern Michigan in the fall. It slowly evolved into a piece that surrounded Robert Frost's famous poem "The Road Not Taken."

 I began the piece during a turbulent and divisive period in our relationship. Even during the painting of the piece we got into a volatile and toxic argument. Looking back, I believe that particular fight was the primary reason that I never returned to the piece. As I read over "The Road Not Taken," I am blown away by how symbolic it was that I chose that piece:

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;        

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,        

 And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.        

 I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

       And that has made all the difference.         

Throughout the evening I began thinking more about divide and how it was symbolic throughout the relationship. Never had I met anyone so internally divided in my entire life. And I began to ponder on how his name literally means

"The Twin." 

Twin. 

An identical divide.

Two symmetrical roads 

Eternally diverging

In the

Yellow woods

Of 

Northern Michigan.

Now that's a type of foreshadowing
I'd never want to live by. 

Denial by George Herbert

    When my devotions could not pierce

                              Thy silent ears,

Then was my heart broken, as was my verse;

         My breast was full of fears

                              And disorder.

    My bent thoughts, like a brittle bow,

                               Did fly asunder:

Each took his way; some would to pleasures go,

          Some to the wars and thunder

                               Of alarms.

    “As good go anywhere,” they say,

                               “As to benumb

Both knees and heart, in crying night and day,

         Come, come, my God, O come!

                               But no hearing.”

    O that thou shouldst give dust a tongue

                               To cry to thee,

And then not hear it crying! All day long

          My heart was in my knee,

                               But no hearing.

    Therefore my soul lay out of sight,

                               Untuned, unstrung:

My feeble spirit, unable to look right,

          Like a nipped blossom, hung

                               Discontented.

    O cheer and tune my heartless breast,

                               Defer no time;

That so thy favors granting my request,

          They and my mind may chime,

                               And mend my rhyme.

Today

Today was pretty phenomenal. 

Nate and I ate at Local Taco

With the fabulous Princess Neta,

Kyle, 

And Brady Lane. 

The weather in Nashville was perfect!

Afterward, Nate and I went to 

Frothy Monkey

And he spent the whole day helping me organize 

My brand new 

Desk calendar.

Then, we listened to the Foo Fighters

And went to Michael's

Where I began to spend the money

He is sponsoring me with for

My first Nashville 

Art show. 

Overjoyed.  

             

Beauty Advice:

   So, in the past two weeks I have been continuously wrecked, rebuilt, rejuvenated, restored, and challenged by God. I frequented Monastery at The Anchor every time the doors were open during Holy Week. God told me on Palm Sunday to take a week to put everything aside and focus on Him. This was not difficult for me. I needed a week to lay everything down. I was in some serious bondage. So...I signed out, and spent nights hashing it out with God-face down. Nothing happened. Day after day I would go...and nothing happened. There was no audible voice, no quiet whisper, no vision, no passage of scripture--no area in which I saw direct change. Despite my efforts to get off work on the Saturday prior to Easter I was forced to go in. All day long I kept getting compliments on how beautiful I was. Keep in mind: I do work at a high end restaurant as a hostess and we are required to dress in nice clothing. Like always, I did not take the compliments. I let them roll off my back. I paid them no mind. The next morning I stopped by Dose for my usual cup of coffee. I made small talk with my dear friends behind the counter...and as I walked to my seat, I got stopped by two people who complimented me on my physical beauty. This time, it was odd...primarily because I was in sweats with messy hair and had no makeup on. I began noticing that people wanted more and more to engage in conversation with me. They would compliment me using words like "light," "beautiful," and "lovely" to describe my physical appearance.. As someone who has always had tremendously low self esteem this began to be comical to an extent. My interaction with others, and their desire to be around me dramatically changed. Over time, I began to realize that I really did look different. I looked different without any weight loss. I looked different without a haircut. I looked positively different without any sort of effort put in to my beauty routine.
   
    Last night this point was reiterated to me. I was working at J.'s and a dear friend of mine brought up Nathan. She said: "That bearded man in all of your pictures looks like the type of person everyone loves and would want to get to know. Both of you in the same picture is like beauty overload. There's so much joy...and, I dunno...light? Is that a strange word to use?"
   
    Throughout the majority of my life I have found so much relief in purchasing beauty products that promised a "turn-around" for my physical appearance. My brain has been in the vice of an eating disorder since I was 13 years old. But last week...everything changed. I didn't realize it. It was a process. I did not immediately feel the layers quietly pulling back on my life...but they were. They still are.
   
     Yesterday I got some news that made me physically ill. The issue it surrounded brought up a lot of "junk" for me. Normally, this type of situation would compel me to set food aside for awhile and become a slave to the treadmill.
     However, due to the peace of Christ...it didn't. It was uncomfortable, but in the end...I was forced to recognize what true beauty is. The point of my recent lesson was reiterated: just because something looks a certain way doesn't mean it is better. Just because certain things are deemed "beautiful" by society doesn't mean they are. And usually...those who strive for cosmetic beauty have not yet learned that their validation comes through Christ alone, and that true beauty rests in healing.
    I do not doubt that due to a society that is visual and materialistic I will continue to be challenged in these areas. The difference is...I am significantly more confident than I've ever been. I understand what is lovely and what is not lovely. It is no longer worth it to me to be deemed "beautiful" by the world and be starving and dead on the inside.
     I would rather have life and joy and light coursing through my veins: the life and joy and light that  can only come through Christ--that brings about the ultimate kind of beauty.
   

Easter

Best Easter EVER. Helped with the Keeill's fair all day, then Nate took me to my favorite place in Nashville: The Pharmacy for burgers. I'm so crazy in love with my very best friend.