It's Not Me You're Chasing

  I used to believe in you.
  I thought you were someone big.
  When I was eight eighteen,
  I told all of my friends that I believed you were
  An angel.

  That was back before I believed in angels...

  But I believed in you.

  You told me that if I wanted to
  Feel God,
  All I needed was the wind
  And a paint brush

  Or a
  Morning in the garden-

  You said
  Taking life for granted was the
  Greatest sin.

  And I built my whole paper theology around your ideals...

  Because I believed in them.

  I used to cry myself to sleep at night
  When thoughts of you

  D
    y
      i
       n
         g

  Would cross my mind.
 
  I was convinced I could never

  Function

  Without you--

  If you

             Died.


  But then you died.


 And you just keep dying every day.

 You choose your bullet,
 And you blow your skull to pieces
 Every day.

 And some days I watch from

 24 hours away.

 But most days I don't.


 You told me never to

             s e t t l e.

             But then
                   You did.

You settled for

            A roladex
                Of other womens' phone numbers
   And
   Three
   Kids.


  Some days
  You pretend you love me.

And I like those days,
   Because it means you haven't forgotten that I'm your kid.

And it makes me feel like we've mended the wounds,
 

[But I know we never
                        Did.]

   I tell everyone that I look like you;
   I tell them you're my best friend.

Your lies to yourself
About who you are

Have helped me
 See who
        I am...


And who
I'm not.


I'm a
I'm a
I'm a
I'm a little girl
      Running away [again]
      Like last time:

     When I was convinced I was
      Orphan Annie
      And I packed my things.

But the difference in Nashville
And
Tahlequah

Is now

You're not

Chasing
Me.